Why do we have such a high divorce rate? Why is marriage in such a crisis? Actually, it's not in crisis-it's at a crossroads. It's in the process of being redefined.
Yesterday's marriage was an economic institution-today's marriage is an emotional bond.
We think marriage is in trouble because we look at recent history as binary-there was life before the 60's and there was life after the 60's. Before the 60's, there was 50's-style stability and after the 60's there was chaos.
We're selling ourselves short.
It's true that the divorce rate dropped (slightly) in the 50's and then exploded in the 60's and 70's. But it had been climbing steadily since the beginning of the 20th century. Then in 1981, something unprecedented happened. It changed direction and dropped by half by 2005 (the last year for which we have data). That's right! For the first time in this century the divorce rate has declined significantly-and for 24 straight years!
What's even more hopeful in my opinion is why marriages are lasting. We're staying married because we want to, not because we have to. Marriages are lasting because people value the emotional bond of marriage.
Usually, the standard of living and the divorce rate move together. People leave unhappy marriages when they've got the means to do so. No big surprise there. That's why the divorce rate is always lower than average among farmers. You can't just pack up half the farm and leave.
It was completely predictable that divorce would rise in the 60's and 70's. For a lot of women, entering the workforce mean a new ability to exit their marriages. And husbands were could leave their wives more easily if they were self-supporting.
The 50's reversed the correlation between divorce and prosperity. The economy soared but the divorce rate dipped. Why? Because of the unique circumstances of the post-war period. People were so grateful to have survived the Depression and World War II, that they just wanted to stay home and hold onto what they had. While it's true that not all women embraced the 50's cult of domesticity willingly, our romantic view of the 50's does have a few grains of truth to it.
What's remarkable now is that the divorce rate and prosperity are moving in opposite directions again.
While the divorce rate has been dropping over the last 24 years, our standard of living has risen dramatically. That's right-it's the 50's all over again! Well, not quite. Today it's not war-weary gratitude that's keeping us together. For the first time in history we're committing to marriage because we value it for its own sake. Most people believe-and research confirms-life is better with a good marriage.
For most of history, marriage was first and foremost an economic necessity. It was a requirement for functioning well in adult life. If you happened to love your spouse, you considered yourself lucky. People have always fallen in love, of course, just not necessarily with the right person. Extra-marital affairs provided the safety valve. They were the invisible stabilizer of marriage. Every society had its particular rules governing adultery and as long as they were followed, it was tolerated.
Today, we're rejecting the disposable relationships of the 60's and 70's and recommitting to marriage.
But we're not willing to settle for relationships that just "look good on paper." Now do we accept affairs as a safety valve. We want a relationship based on a solid emotional bond. In a 2001 study by the Rutgers Marriage Project, 94% of men and women in their twenties say their main goal in marrying is to have a soul mate. And they're willing to do the work. More than ever before, couples are reading books, taking classes and going to counseling to improve their marriages.
An emotional bond marriage that lasts is a tall order. There's a reason it hasn't been attempted before! Many cultures, such as the Japanese and the East Indians, still believe that it's foolish to base a marriage on emotion.
I think it's far from foolish, but it is a whole new way of living, and we're all feeling the growing pains. There will always be some people who come to the sad conclusion that an emotional bond marriage is not possible with the person they've chosen. And others who just give up too soon, because they can. But marriage is not in crisis.
The real news of the day is that we're carving out a new, highly rewarding kind of marriage, and on the whole doing it rather well.
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Claire Hatch, MSW is a licensed social worker and mediator who specializes in working with couples. From her Seattle area office, she counsels people by phone and in person.