Question:
Who is responsible for the wedding shower? I am the groom's mother. What role do I have in initiating the bridal shower? They are getting married out of the country (Cancun), so obvioulsy not everyone would be able to attend the wedding.

Answer from Johanna - By Recommendation Only
In Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette you will find that traditionally hosts are friends of the couple or their parents. Invited are friends' attendants and family members. All guests should be invited to the wedding. That means you can host a shower and I think it would be very appropriate to invite the guests who cannot come to Cancun.
Good luck,
Johanna

Question:
Is it proper to shake hands with your son's future in-laws when you meet them the first time?

Answer from Johanna - By Recommendation Only
A handshake is perfectly fine for the first meeting; you still can change to a hug later on. Good luck,
Johanna

Question:
My sister-in-law has planned my two-year-old nephew's birthday party on the same day as my wedding. She has known the date of my wedding for months. In March I called her because I was thinking of having it on Sunday, which is his birthday, to make sure there wouldn't be a conflict, but a few weeks later told her I changed the date to Saturday, the day before his birthday.

Yesterday at a family function, she told my brother to not commit to bringing my grandmother to the wedding because "we might not be there on time." My wedding is on a Saturday, her son's birthday is on Sunday and yet she's having the party on the same Saturday as my wedding. I have spent years going out of my way to be nice to her despite her numerous slights against me and my family. I have done so in order to maintain a relationship with my brother. I phoned my brother this morning and told him if he can't be at the wedding on time, then he just shouldn't come.
I don't want to be so upset by this, but I am; he is my only sibling.
He says he is stuck in the middle. I told him he's not stuck in the middle, that it's in poor taste to plan his son's birthday party on the same day as my wedding, when no one from our family is able to attend.
I'm so upset by this that I just feel like they aren't worth the effort anymore. All that we do for them, and she continues to passively hurt
others. I've tried so hard to keep the peace, because I love my
brother, but I just don't feel he is doing anything to represent our family and the feelings of our family because the world revolves around his wife....or else.

Do I just leave this alone and not talk to either of them? Do I send them a note un-inviting them from the wedding? The entire key to this is that my maternal grandmother will be there, and my grandmother and his wife do not get along. So, I think she's just doing whatever she can not to be there....because it's not about me or my fiancé; it's about her. Have I mentioned she's extremely selfish and self centered?
Thanks for your help,
Jean

Answer from Johanna - By Recommendation Only
Hi Jean,

I understand your resentment, and you are completely right about your sister-in-law. I know how hard this situation is for you, particularly on a day when the whole family should be celebrating together. Your sister-in-law's main intention is to separate your brother from his family; if you un-invite them, you play into her hands. Just tell them that it is unfortunate that they might not be there for the ceremony but they will be welcome to attend the reception. She planned the birthday party to upset you, and if you don't seem upset she did not achieve her purpose.

Your brother obviously cannot stand up to her. He should have put his foot down in not allowing the party on the same day as your wedding. If you don't want to lose contact with your brother, who says you couldn't meet him for lunch or coffee sometime in the future, without his wife?

Think about the wonderful man you are going to marry, and all the relatives and friends who will celebrate with you.

Good luck,
Johanna

Question:
How do you go about informing your guests about the location of the church and time when the wedding invitations have been already mailed and received?

Answer from Johanna - By Recommendation Only
If you have a wedding website it is very easy; you just can add the information to the site. If not, why don't you wait until you know who is attending, then you have to send the update only to these guests.
Good luck,
Johanna

Question:
How do you go about informing your guests about the location of the church and time when the wedding invitations have been already mailed and received?

Answer from Johanna - By Recommendation Only
If you have a wedding website it is very easy; you just can add the information to the site. If not, why don't you wait until you know who is attending, then you have to send the update only to these guests.
Good luck,
Johanna

Question:
My neighbors of eleven years have been planning a wedding for their daughter for six months, and five days before the wedding, the parents have canceled the flowers, the cake, the reception, the photographer - everything -- over a spat with their daughter and the groom's family over where the father will sit at the rehearsal dinner. The parents have rescinded their invitation, but the daughter plans to go ahead with the wedding, even though her parents will not attend. The daughter, who is friends with our children, wants us to attend, but the parents say that it is in poor taste for us to attend and our presence will embarrass them. They are not speaking to us because we plan to attend the wedding anyway. So here's the question: is it in poor taste for us to attend when the parents have rescinded their invitation, or should we go in support of the daughter? We love all of them and don't want to hurt anyone. Please advise.
 
Caught in the Middle

Answer from Johanna - By Recommendation Only
Hi there,
I hope you decide to attend the wedding. Your children are completely right. The father's spat has nothing to do with you, at all. This dispute should be kept between your neighbor and his family. It is inappropriate to put pressure on you. The only ones who should be embarrassed are the parents of the bride. However, you might send them a note in which you state that you will attend, but, because you care for them both, you might be willing to arbitrate.

Just for your info: I checked Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette. I did not find anything about the seating order of the rehearsal dinner guests. I guess it is common that the dinner is hosted by the groom’s parents and therefore they have the last say in the seating order, while the parents of the bride do the same during the reception.

There is a alternative scenario: the parents might be overwhelmed by the cost and are trying find a reason to get out. I am not sure which case is true. You know them better and you have to decide if you can help them or not.
Don't have a bad conscience and enjoy the wedding,
Johanna

Question:
My nephew, who is also my godchild, will be getting married next September. Are there any specific responsibilities for the groom's aunt and/or godmother?
Thanks.
Maggie

Answer from Jubilee Lau
Jubilee Lau Events

Dear Maggie, There are no specific duties for the Godmother, but you are certainly considered family. I am sure the couple would appreciate your helping hand during the wedding planning. If they don't have any duties to assign to you, it is only because they want you to enjoy every minute of their beautiful celebration with them.

Thank you for addressing your question to By Recommendation Only.
Regards, Jubilee

Question: My daughter is planning on getting married in Rome to an Italian native of the city. My questions are:
1) Wedding shower - do we invite all those who would be invited if the wedding was held locally even though we do not expect them to attend the wedding in Rome? Do we invite the prospective groom's relations? If we do invite them, should the invitation be in Italian since many of them do not read English?

2) Wedding invitations - do we send invitations to all, both here and abroad, even though the majority in this country will not be able to attend? Again, how should we approach the language issue?

3) The groom will be coming to live in the U.S. within a month or two of the wedding in Rome. At that time we plan to have a dinner celebrating their wedding. Again, do all get invited even though it may be impossible to attend? Should we include those who did attend the celebration in Rome?

4) Are you aware of any protocol, particular to Italy, of which we should be aware?
Any advice you can give us would be appreciated.

Answer from Jubilee Lau
Jubilee Lau Events
If the majority of the guests here are not expected to attend the wedding in Rome, I would recommend sending wedding announcements to them instead of actual
invitations. Since you will be having a post-wedding celebration here as well, you can invite all the local guests to that celebration. It sounds like there will be two separate celebrations--one in Rome for more of the groom's side of the family and one here for the bride's side. In situations like that, it is best to keep the invitation lists separate. Of course, the closest families and friends to the bride and groom can be invited to both.
This should eliminate the language issue, but if you do end up inviting many local people to the Rome celebration, you can consider printing the invitation in Italian with an English insert that translates the information stated on the invitation.
Good Luck! Sincerely, Jubilee Lau
 

Question: Need a dinner menu for rehearsal, which is during Lent, bride's side is all Catholic, whereas groom's side isn't. Need some
help as to what we should serve.

Answer from Johanna - By Recommendation Only
Fish is allowed during Lent. Go to Cooking for Couples. There are several fish recipes.
Good luck, Johanna
 

Question: I just recently got engaged in early December, I have already booked my hall and church for late October in '04. My brother just proposed to his girlfriend on New Years Eve and they just informed me that they want to have their wedding on October 2, 2004. Is there such a thing called Wedding Etiquette not to get married the same month as your sister? As of now, my brother and soon to be sister-in-law seem to think I'm selfish. We said it was ok to get married in Sept, not October. I mean there are only 12 months in the year. They have plenty to pick from. What would you do?

Answer from Johanna - By Recommendation Only
Your problem is less a question of etiquette than a question of courtesy your brother and future sister in law should have towards you and your future husband. To get married within the same month might be a strain on your parents check book as well as on your mutual guests. They might not be able to give presents to both of you or attend both of the weddings. Even though your brother might be married first, some of the guests might want come to your wedding rather than to his and vice versa. Talk to your parents and ask for their support.
Good luck!

Question: I was hoping to get some suggestions about the best time of day (i.e., most flattering light) to take wedding photographs for an early October wedding.

The website also mentions consulting with a sort of color expert to analyze which colors work best for one's skin tones. How would I go about finding someone like this? Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Answer from Johanna - By Recommendation Only
The very best light for taking pictures is at sunrise and sunset. The exact time is right before the sun comes up or right it after disappears beyond the horizon. There are only a few minutes to take these pictures. Direct sunshine is not a good choice; open shade is much better, its is particularly true when wearing a white wedding dress.
Color consultants can be found in the phone book. Make-up artists can help, too.


Question: My wife and I were married on Aug. 2, 2003, by a justice of the peace. We just decided to have a real wedding. Is it proper etiquette to have a regular wedding on March 6, 2004, and expect people to come and buy gifts for us?

Answer from Johanna - By Recommendation Only
Yes, I think it is proper etiquette to have a real wedding at a later date. I am sure your friends and family will happily celebrate with you. Now about the presents: If your friends already sent you gifts, I am not sure if they want to give you another big gift, if not, there is no reason why they should not.

Question: I have been asked to be a brides maid in two of my friends weddings, both in the same month. One of my friend is the type that expects the very best from every one; she will want the best most expensive dresses and the most expensive party thrown for her. The problem is, I an a single mom. Both of these weddings are really going to kill me financially, especially with the friend who is expecting the Cinderella wedding. What can I do? Do I tell them I can't be in the weddings? What is my financial obligations that comes with being a bridesmaid. I'm happy I was asked but truly I don't have the money to go all out. Please help me!

Answer from Claire Hatch
The Bridal Oasis
Many bridesmaids have found themselves in the same stressful dilemma. You want to help your friends celebrate their big event, but the reality is that you don’t have an unlimited budget.

Traditionally, the bridesmaids pay for their own dress and accessories, transportation to the wedding, and sometimes a bridesmaids’ gift to the bride in addition to a gift to the couple. If the bride wants her bridesmaids to have professionally done hair and makeup, she should pay for that. That being said, the most important thing is that the arrangements suit the individuals involved. Some brides have paid for their bridesmaids dresses. Some have made a point of choosing inexpensive dresses when they realized expense was a concern. Another possibility is for the bride to give the bridesmaids some general guidelines and allow them to choose their own dresses. Not only can they spend according to their budget, but each can choose a dress that suits them individually.

I would suggest that you first sit down and decide how much you can spend on both of these weddings without neglecting your own responsibilities or feeling stressed. Next, I would be very honest with both of the brides and say just what you said in your letter. You are very happy you were asked and there is nothing you would love to do more, but you are concerned about taking on more than you can handle financially. Ask if they have considered the suggestions above. Offer to help with some research on reasonably priced dresses. Most brides would love the extra help! Tell them that if you can stay within your budget, you would love to be a bridesmaid. Otherwise, you will unfortunately have to say you can’t do it. Make it clear that you are looking forward to celebrating with them in any case.

In this way, you will be financially responsible, caring, and sincere. I hope you friends will understand and appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Claire Hatch


Question: I just got a dozen roses and I was wondering if you could tell me how to dry them myself or preserve them. I would be quite grateful to you if you could tell me.

Answer from Johanna - By Recommendation Only
If you want to enjoy them before, the only way I know is hanging them upside down and letting them dry. You have to let them dry before they are completely "over the hill." The colors of the roses become much darker. Red roses will become almost black. If you preserve them in silicon gel or have them freeze-dried the flowers have to be as perfect as possible.